I don't smile as much as I used to. . .
The past couple of months have been so painful that I find it impossible to sleep through an entire night. I rely on a magic potion for the sweet promise of a temporary coma so that I can pretend for a few hours that none of this exists. My mind is in so much emotional turmoil. . .my brain is overactive. I can't sleep because I'm too busy processing this detestation we are calling love.
. . .Everyday I lost a little more strength. . .It killed me softly. . .But I became tired of imprisoning my heart to keep yours free. . .Became tired of waking up to a tear-drenched pillow. . .I had to destroy the bondage of my own mental captivity. . .Somehow, I had to let go of the emotional ties I had to you. . .Because they ate away at my core. . .
I had built this illusion that we were on a Hollywood Hiatus; for the purpose of separately finding ourselves only to come back together and rebuild our relationship into my wishful paragon of serenity. But the reality was, once we came back together in the hopes of a rejuvenated blissful union. . .I was met again with the same ache in my heart. Every time I heard your name, every time you penciled me in and out of your schedule, every time I was with you and your phone rang impatiently, it was like a safety pin slowly pricked away at my heart. I've spent all this time convincing myself that the little bit of time that I did spend with you was worth all of this pain. The pain of not being most important in your life. . .The pain of waking up to thoughts of you with someone else. . .The pain of so obviously being an option for you to choose from when your time was right. As broken as my spirit became, I shamefully knew in my heart that if I had to do it all over again, I would. Because that's just how much I desired to be loved by you.
. . .Your love was bittersweet. It tasted so good, yet hurt so bad. The funny thing is that I loved to love you. . .
I don't smile as much as I used to.
- submitted by S. R. C.
The past couple of months have been so painful that I find it impossible to sleep through an entire night. I rely on a magic potion for the sweet promise of a temporary coma so that I can pretend for a few hours that none of this exists. My mind is in so much emotional turmoil. . .my brain is overactive. I can't sleep because I'm too busy processing this detestation we are calling love.
. . .Everyday I lost a little more strength. . .It killed me softly. . .But I became tired of imprisoning my heart to keep yours free. . .Became tired of waking up to a tear-drenched pillow. . .I had to destroy the bondage of my own mental captivity. . .Somehow, I had to let go of the emotional ties I had to you. . .Because they ate away at my core. . .
I had built this illusion that we were on a Hollywood Hiatus; for the purpose of separately finding ourselves only to come back together and rebuild our relationship into my wishful paragon of serenity. But the reality was, once we came back together in the hopes of a rejuvenated blissful union. . .I was met again with the same ache in my heart. Every time I heard your name, every time you penciled me in and out of your schedule, every time I was with you and your phone rang impatiently, it was like a safety pin slowly pricked away at my heart. I've spent all this time convincing myself that the little bit of time that I did spend with you was worth all of this pain. The pain of not being most important in your life. . .The pain of waking up to thoughts of you with someone else. . .The pain of so obviously being an option for you to choose from when your time was right. As broken as my spirit became, I shamefully knew in my heart that if I had to do it all over again, I would. Because that's just how much I desired to be loved by you.
. . .Your love was bittersweet. It tasted so good, yet hurt so bad. The funny thing is that I loved to love you. . .
I don't smile as much as I used to.
- submitted by S. R. C.
6 comments:
Karen said...
Oh my goodness... Im touched by your pain.....
12:52 AM
Arnethia said...
Powerful words...
12:33 PM
O.B.R said...
wow...I saw myself in your words. Funny how this is the same story that seems to repeat itself, regardless of year, season, age..."no expectations, no disappointments"
3:24 PM
yondi28 said...
love and life is trial and error, and that's all i have to say about that! i am here with you though, and i love you more and more each day!yon
5:08 PM
Anonymous said...
When are you going to write more???
6:08 PM
Anonymous said...
I wish you knew that I'd love to ease your pain....
7:50 PM
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