Rebirth

(photo credit courtesy of http://www.anarticleofart.com/)

This morning, I was awakened by daylight pouring through my open window. I attempted to shield my eyes from it, but the warmth of the sun caressed my face and roused me from sleep. Stubbornly, I peered through the slits of my eyes and was met with the sight of my bedroom enveloped in a warm amber glow. Hints of springtime tip-toed into my window.

The smell of spring kissed my nose and eyelids. As I slowly allowed oxygen to enter my nostrils and invade my lungs, I was met with the aroma of freshly cut grass and fragrant flowers. The scent tickled me and began coaxing me out of my grogginess. A soft and lazy breeze sauntered through the blinds and playfully brushed against my bare shoulders. It felt familiar. . .as though Zephyr and I were old lovers. . .coyly playing a game of hide and seek. My ears observed the beautiful music of people and animals offering melodious banter while engaging in their respective daily activities. The aura of my surroundings felt soothing and reassuring. Spring had found its way into my immediate space and I was slowly encapsulated by it. I began to stretch and embrace the newness of a day that whispered promises of endless possibilities.

As I began to visualize the day that lay ahead of me, I found myself reflecting over the past few months. I began to wince sorrowfully as I welcomed the familiar sense of dread to take over me. I slowly, but willingly, submitted to grief, an intimate acquaintance with whom I shared a deep companionship. As I closed my eyes and prepared for the first set of tears to fall, I felt my senses become overwhelmingly aroused. I began to undergo a heightened state of awareness unlike anything I had ever experienced before. My spirit reverberated with a steady buzz that began in my chest and slowly infused all of my extremities. I closed my eyes and exhaled. . . .and felt myself drift out of my physical body. . . .

I ascended into a time and space not meant for earthly beings. . . .a realm carved out by a higher power that allowed me to metamorphose into an ethereal disposition unknown to man. My soul transitioned through several phases and dimensions. . .

cleansing. . .renewal. . .purification. . .restoration. . .

I was rigorously purged of all impurities that had plagued and weakened my spirit. Poured into my heart were

love. . .hope. . . resolve. . . .forgiveness. . .

My soul. . . .bruised, but not broken. . .was regaining the strength once stolen from it. My mind became clearer and unadulterated.

My spirit, now stripped of all disappointment. . .heartache. . .anguish. . .resentment, transcended back into my body.

As I opened my eyes and inhaled, my body began to convulse as it was weaned off of the negativity that had nourished it for so long. With each breath, I was exhumed. . .and became increasingly replenished. . . When the transformation had reached completion, I began to softly weep. . . .as my mind, body, and spirit were bathed in a tranquility only known to those who have been delivered.

Good MOURNING Heartache

Throughout the evening, I watched you from across the room. . .as you effortlessly moved throughout the crowd. . . charming all those who you came in contact with. The dim lighting blanketed you in a soft glow that I imagine is not unlike that of heavenly beings. I heard you laugh. . .and as you told jokes of yesterdays and good times. . . I was reminded of the intimacy that was once shared by the two of us. On the opposite side of the room, I attempted to entertain the friends that occupied my physical space. . .I pretended to be deeply engaged in the meaningless banter that was meant to be one of fellowship. . .yet I found myself distressed that I was not on the receiving end of the beautiful music that I had once come to know as your voice. I took a long, slow sip of the champagne in my glass. Cringing at the taste, I prayed for the magic liquid to calm the anxious spirits within me.

In the midst of this gathering. . .full of faces from the past and reminiscent conversation. . . filled with the aura of familiarity, friendship, and comfort. . .I wondered. . .if in the time since we last spoke. . .if you had ever thought about us. . . Had I ever visited your late night dreams the way you always seemed to follow me into mine? Had you missed the sound of my voice being the last that you heard before we drifted off to sleep? Had you ever longed for a message from me to find its way into your phone or email? As thoughts of you and the life we once shared continued to whirlwind in my mind like a flashback in a movie. . .I drowned out my immediate surroundings and became lost in my own daydream. I immersed myself in the images of how beautiful you used to look as you slept so peacefully at night. I became engulfed in phantom kisses. . .your sweet, gentle kisses. . .finding their way to my lips. I inhaled the memories of your scent and allowed them to permeate the core of my being as I slowly exhaled my revived passion for you.

As I awakened from my daze, I noticed that you had now been joined by a woman. Your body language suggested that she was your girlfriend. . .maybe even your wife. The two of you began to walk towards the door. . .and for a moment. . .I held my breath. . .hoping. . .wishing. . .that you would see me. . .so that I could share a final private moment with you. But reality wasn't as kind as my daydreams. . .and as I watched the two of you leave the ballroom. . .a piece of me left with you.

And now as I awaken to a new day. . .entangled in bed sheets. . .providing evidence of my restless slumber. . .I listen to the sound of rain against my window. And I wonder if somewhere . . .you are lying in your bed listening to the sound of the rain too. . .thinking about me. . .the way I’m thinking about you. . .holding on to the fantasy that one day. . .we will find our way back to each other again. . .

The Agony of Defeat

My stomach churns and my body quakes with trembles as I try to recover from this fevered state of schizophrenic confusion. My mind has been possessed by spirits that refuse to remove its stronghold over me. My mouth is as dry as drug store cotton and it hurts to swallow. My face is hot and my eyes are bloodshot and clouded with tears. I am nauseous, as the hallucinations dance in front of me on the walls of my room and float around me like apparitions in a carnival fun house. I feel like I am going insane. . . .the images mock and belittle me. They won’t leave me alone. My breathing is increasingly short and my body temperature is slowly rising. Drenched in sweat, I shudder from the freezing shocks of cold that pierce my body. My mind plays the soundtrack to the visions that I am having. I hear you whisper her name. . . .she laughs coyly. . . .and beckons you to her. My hands fly to my ears trying to block out the thundering sound of my mind at war with my senses. Insanity blankets me, like death. I continue to hear conversations. . . .between you. . . .and her. . . . . .I cringe and my body heaves. I shake my head furiously not wanting to believe what I am hearing or seeing. Your faint image walks up to me and gives me a kiss. But the pungent smell of her perfume reeks and invades my nostrils and smells as rancid as a dead carcass on the hot pavement. Your image soon leaves me and the bitter taste of loss builds in my stomach and lingers in the back of my throat. I slowly rock back and forth. . . .trying to get a hold of my senses. Trying to allow my erratic sensibilities to reach some sort of equilibrium. I whisper to myself softly, hoping to persuade my body to rebuke this fever.

The sickness that you left me in. . . . .

when you left me. . . .

for her. . . .

The Morning After

I wake up to the sound of waves crashing against the shore outside of the window. I lift my head up and shield my eyes from the light that pours into the bedroom. The ocean breeze lightly teases the blinds as they softly billow into the room as though they were reaching to take me far away from this place. The soft, innocent scent of the salt air permeates my senses and wraps itself around me. The sound of seagulls crying out take my focus to you as you lay next to me, sleeping. I watch you and become engrossed in the slow and repetitive motion of your contoured frame moving up and down as oxygen enters and leaves your body. Your back is to me. You appear peaceful. The breeze whispers along your skin and kisses your face. I slowly drink your presence. As thoughts and memories and hopes and dreams crowd my mind I become intoxicated by you and all of your unpredictable possibilities. I ache, wanting so badly to touch you, but I don't, for fear of breaking the eerie sanctity of this moment. You move slightly. . .I watch you stretch. . .then scratch your nose. . .never breaking the pattern of your breathing. I want to kiss you.

Again, I hear the seagulls cry out as they race and chase each other across the clear blue sky and instantly I am jostled out of the subconscious of my daydream and am brought back to the reality of this situation. The placidity of this moment has almost tricked me into believing that all is right in my world. When really as I look down at your naked flesh I feel mocked by your tranquil disposition because all thoughts in my mind as I watch you are anything but. The demons in my mind taunt me and force me to watch you lay there so serenely while dramatic realism awakens me from my inebriated state. I wonder how I got to this place. Yearning for a drop of your love to sustain me until I get my next hit. I'm addicted to the sweet pain that stirs in my spirit as I long for the reciprocity of my affections for you.

You turn over and look at me with clouded eyes trying to focus on your first conscious encounter with the beginning of a new day. You smile at me. I smile back. You lean over and tuck my hair behind my ear . . . you lightly graze my face with the palm of your hand. . . . .you trace your fingers across my lips. You pull me against your chest and wrap your arms around me. You softly kiss the back of my neck. My mind clashes with the painful dichotomy of being so physically close to you yet simultaneously being the farthest away from you that I have ever been. I close my eyes and try to enjoy the moment. I silently pray that it will last forever. But the solitary tear that falls from my eye and splashes my arm suggests otherwise.

Do People Change?

Another sleepless night. I watch the slow whir of my bedroom ceiling fan. . .contemplating why I continue to set myself up to be emotionally exhausted over and over again. People don't change. If there's one thing that I can rely on when it comes to people, it is that they are consistent in their inability to change. My mind races as I simultaneously flip through one nondescript television program after another. It's 2am. The world is quiet outside of my window. But my mind races and flips and turns at the speed of light and at the sound of a thousand decibels trying to make sense of the human ability to change. The lobe of my brain that entertains fantasy and fairytale allows me to be optimistic. I hypothesize the ridiculous generalization that people will die with the same unadulterated chi they were born with. "Of course people can change," I say to myself. "Its the essence of the human spirit. Without change there is no life." As I continue flipping through the channels, my attention turns to the the monotonous drone of the meterologist forecasting a day full of cold temperatures and rain. A direct contrast to the days that preceded. Another lobe of my brain that houses my more rational, grounded, realistic perception of life tells me, "Variables change. Outside forces change. But the people within these elements will always be the same." My mind is now at war, battling these opposing viewpoints as I continue to flip through the channels. It is now 4am. As my eyes begin to lazily close, I hear Roseanne in the background fumbling with the simple complexities of meatloaf versus pizza. She reaches no resolution. And as I drift off into a restless slumber, I realize that neither will I.

4 Comments:
Anonymous said...
Wow... That was amazing....
4:10 PM

Arnethia said...
I love it and cant wait to read more...
4:14 PM

Anonymous said...
That just like totally changed my life! Omg!!
4:49 PM

Abeja Reina said...
I wonder if people really change too...if it's one thing you can count on, it's the uncertainty of how people will deal with your feelings…I love the post…I’m looking forward to reading more Stay Positive!!PS…I LOVE THE PICTURE!!
12:50 PM

Do People Change? PART II

I’ve been told that change is the only constant in life. So when the question is asked, do people change? I must answer yes.

You see, my sleepless night came long before yours. I thought about your words and more specifically I remembered being in your place. I empathized with you to the point that I layed in my bed staring at the ceiling fan in my bedroom and I don’t even have a ceiling fan.

But it hit me, the reason I could relate was because I too have wanted to know why I continued to set myself up to be “emotionally exhausted.” But the answer I realized was found in your question.

I continued to be “emotionally exhausted” by people who had changed. See, I wanted so badly for them, for him, to stay the same that when the changes occurred, I wasn’t prepared. And by the time the change had taken its toll, yes, I was exhausted. I was exhausted at trying to stop what I know is a natural occurrence.

It’s hard to accept changes in the people we want so desperately to stay the same. Everything must change, nothing stays the same.

- submitted by Arnethia

Love Letter to the Lost & Never Found

I don't smile as much as I used to. . .

The past couple of months have been so painful that I find it impossible to sleep through an entire night. I rely on a magic potion for the sweet promise of a temporary coma so that I can pretend for a few hours that none of this exists. My mind is in so much emotional turmoil. . .my brain is overactive. I can't sleep because I'm too busy processing this detestation we are calling love.

. . .Everyday I lost a little more strength. . .It killed me softly. . .But I became tired of imprisoning my heart to keep yours free. . .Became tired of waking up to a tear-drenched pillow. . .I had to destroy the bondage of my own mental captivity. . .Somehow, I had to let go of the emotional ties I had to you. . .Because they ate away at my core. . .

I had built this illusion that we were on a Hollywood Hiatus; for the purpose of separately finding ourselves only to come back together and rebuild our relationship into my wishful paragon of serenity. But the reality was, once we came back together in the hopes of a rejuvenated blissful union. . .I was met again with the same ache in my heart. Every time I heard your name, every time you penciled me in and out of your schedule, every time I was with you and your phone rang impatiently, it was like a safety pin slowly pricked away at my heart. I've spent all this time convincing myself that the little bit of time that I did spend with you was worth all of this pain. The pain of not being most important in your life. . .The pain of waking up to thoughts of you with someone else. . .The pain of so obviously being an option for you to choose from when your time was right. As broken as my spirit became, I shamefully knew in my heart that if I had to do it all over again, I would. Because that's just how much I desired to be loved by you.

. . .Your love was bittersweet. It tasted so good, yet hurt so bad. The funny thing is that I loved to love you. . .

I don't smile as much as I used to.

- submitted by S. R. C.

6 comments:
Karen said...
Oh my goodness... Im touched by your pain.....
12:52 AM
Arnethia said...
Powerful words...
12:33 PM
O.B.R said...
wow...I saw myself in your words. Funny how this is the same story that seems to repeat itself, regardless of year, season, age..."no expectations, no disappointments"
3:24 PM
yondi28 said...
love and life is trial and error, and that's all i have to say about that! i am here with you though, and i love you more and more each day!yon
5:08 PM
Anonymous said...
When are you going to write more???
6:08 PM
Anonymous said...
I wish you knew that I'd love to ease your pain....
7:50 PM

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